Diddysdirtydeeds.com
DIDDY'S DEAR SANTA LETTER:
How’s it hanging, Daddy? Long time, no chimney slide! Look, I know you’re probably up to your ears in wish lists and wrapping paper, but I figured I’d slide you a quick note from… well, let’s just call it my holiday retreat... I’ll keep this short and sweet (unlike my last letter, which I now realize might’ve been a tad over the top with the glitter glue and demands for gold chains).
Yeah,Anyway, here’s the thing: I’m writing to you from the slammer. What had happened was...I got myself into a few different holes. Don’t worry, it wasn’t that sticky... just a small misunderstanding involving stuffing way too many stockings before Christmas...Can you believe it?!
So, Santa, here’s what I’m hoping for this year. I’ve been mostly good—well, prison good. I helped a guy make a Christmas tree out of toilet paper rolls and string cheese, and I didn’t even complain when the warden confiscated my pudding stash. That’s progress, right?
Now, I don’t need anything fancy. Just a few simple items to make life here a little brighter:
1. A file baked into a fruitcake (kidding! Unless you can swing it).
2. A little bond help, if you can manage it. It’s nothing crazy—just enough to get me jingling all the way out of here.
3. Some baby oil. Trust me, it’s not weird. These bars could use a little slicking up for… reasons...
4. A good cellmate, preferably Jay-Z. I figure if I’m stuck in here, I might as well have someone to blow on my hot cocoa for me.
5. Fuzzy slippers, because these floors are colder than Frosty’s hat on a windy day.
Tell Mrs. Claus, the elves, and the reindeer that I cannot wait to stuff their stockings this year.
You’ve gotta admit, I’ve got a talent for it..
I know I’ve had a few slip-ups, but I’ve been mostly nice (if you round up). So slide me some holiday magic, would ya? You’re the only guy I trust with this. If you can’t fit down the chimney here, don’t worry. I’m working on a skylight.
Merry Christmas, big guy. I’m counting on you! And don't forget Diddy's been nice-ish.!!!
Oh, and Daddy tell Rudolph I can’t wait to go on a ride… on the wild side. Man, I miss those reindeer games.
Your freak,
Diddy
(Cell Block C, Inmate #1225)
P.S. If the baby oil comes with a bow on it, I won’t complain. Presentation matters